I am a perfectionist. For that reason, I am dismayed to find so many people, with laudable aspirations, adopting less than perfect methods to achieve their ambitions. Oftentimes, I am disgusted to discover that they develop cold feet or become queasy about success, just when they are within sight of their objective.
The purpose of this primer is to help the dummies who have a death wish, but are too lily-livered to commit straightforward suicide and, instead, want to die on Indian roads.
I have logged almost 5,00,000 kilometres on the roads from Okha in Gujarat to Wokha in Nagaland, and from Nagercoil in Tamil Nadu to Nubra in Leh. More importantly, a huge chunk of this mileage has been in and around Delhi, famous for its wonderful traffic. I am, therefore, best qualified to impart wisdom to those needing the proper techniques of ending it all on the road.
You see, I believe that if something is worth doing, it is worth doing well. So, read these instructions and follow them carefully. They are complicated, but then you do want to do an efficient job, don’t you?
The simplest method to realise your death wish is to walk on the road—any road. Just remember that the bigger the vehicle, the greater your chances of success. Simply step out in front of one unexpectedly, and results are guaranteed. The experts have, unimaginatively, dubbed this manoeuvre ‘the final step’.
The ‘final stepper’ must note that the colour of his clothes is critical, especially at night. Bright coloured clothes or, worse still, white will nullify all efforts because a timid driver will spot you and stop. Excellent results are achieved by wearing dark shades of grey or brown. You would then become invisible to any truck driver and be worthy of being called ‘the phantom walker’. If the trucks and buses still snub you, outwit them by hiding behind bushes on road dividers. At just the right moment, zip across the road. In technical parlance, this gambit is called ‘the debonair dart’.
If you do not succeed, buy a bicycle or two-wheeler. These can be wonderful devices for committing suicide. For successful outcomes, people using two-wheelers should follow ‘the phantom walker’ dress code, mutatis mutandis, which will make them ‘the phantom riders’. Bear in mind that many unscrupulous manufacturers put lights or reflectors at the rear, considerably spoiling the phantom effect. Let that not discourage you—spatter mud on the reflectors and break any taillights. Attention to such detail increases your chances of being rammed from behind.
If quick results are not obtained, execute the two-wheeler version of ‘the dart’, which is called ‘the Canute shoot’. Easy to learn, this requires finesse to be executed to perfection. It comprises suddenly sticking out your right arm and immediately turning right, across the nose of a speeding car or truck behind you. The crucial element is to not look back but turn. Immediately. An improvement on ‘the Canute shoot’ is to wiggle fingers instead of sticking out the arm. And turning. Immediately.
Did I forget to caution you against wearing a helmet? Well do not. Ever. A helmet is a big no-no!
A car opens unlimited prospects for committing suicide. Besides the obvious advantage of momentum, there are niche possibilities involving bald tyres, malfunctioning brakes, defective steering, and speeding. But these are outdated, and despite your diligent efforts, you might merely end up in a ditch. These methods are, at best, useful on hill roads or while driving beside uncovered drains in Noida.
More striking methods are available and must be tried. Blaring music, or brawling kids, can divert your attention enough to allow you to ram a tree. Or smoke a cigar and let the ash fall on your lap. You could also let your toddler take the wheel to execute ‘the Canute shoot’.
Another creative technique for committing suicide in your car is ‘the weave’. This should be executed with precision when you overtake five cars alternately from the left and right, and then collide, head on, with an approaching truck. The ‘truncated weave’ can give equally pleasing results. This consists of tailgating a lumbering truck and swinging out with a burst of speed when a bus is approaching from the other direction.
At night, on the highway, you could try a delightful trick, which is called the ‘Bhagalpur ploy’. This comprises an obstinate refusal to dip your lights, thereby blinding drivers of oncoming vehicles. A ‘double Bhagalpur’ is accomplished when the driver in front also turns up his powerful LED headlamps. If this does not result in a satisfying collision, you will have only your bad luck to blame.
I have been saving the best for last; and that is the application of the wonderful invention called the cell phone. Exploit it to the maximum. While walking, stuff both ears with ear pods to block out any warning calls or honking. On a bicycle or a motorcycle, hold the phone to your ear, so that you barely control the bike with the other hand. In a car, always text while driving. I concede these are sneaky tactics, but you want to get killed, don’t you?
K.C. Verma is former chief of R&AW. kcverma345@gmail.com
