He sure loved his wife, rationalised Sunil. Suman was the epitome of a perfect wife, an immaculate homemaker, devoted, caring and still looked beautiful. His equation with her was fine, too. Then why was he incapacitated when it came to having sex with her? He just could not get an erection! He felt depressed.
Why do many men in the late 30s or those in the threshold of 40s cut a sorry figure in their own bedrooms? It is monotony. Sex with the wife is considered a chore to dispense with. The same posture, the same place, the same time, the same way, night after night, year after year! Sexologists Masters and Johnson called this sexual boredom.
Men and women experience a reasonable amount of boredom in a long-standing monogamous sexual relationship. Alfred Kinsey, the legendary sexologist, and his colleagues termed this phenomenon psychological fatigue. Meaning, over a period of time, owing to continuous repetition of any experience, there is lesser and lesser psychological stimulation from it.
For most people success means achievements, monetary growth, acquisition of status symbols... and in the rat race, sex and relationships often get left behind. Thus starts a midlife crisis. And if the middle-aged man tries to seek help for his problem, he is most likely to be told: “At your age, you ought not to be worrying about it anymore!”
The middle-aged woman is ignorant of the dynamics of the arousal pattern which leads to sexual boredom and hence merely participates in sexual intercourse out of a sense of duty.
So how does one overcome sexual boredom? Is having multiple partners the only way in an era of AIDS and HIV?
Certainly not. All through the years, all that one concentrated on was the basic ‘in and out’. A new angle to focus on now would be—quality. Focus on the relationship. Think of the positive attributes of your spouse. And how good she/ he was to you.
When we think of sex, we think only of our genitals as our sex organs. But there is a territory we have failed to give its due—the skin. Every inch of our skin has thousands of sensory nerves.
Vatsyayana emphasised on foreplay. He emphasised and glorified 27 types of kisses, delightful love bites, pleasurable nicks, erotic nail bites and scratches, not to mention four types of embraces and numerous postures. According to him, kama is the enjoyment of the appropriate objects with the help of the five senses assisted by the mind together with the soul. What is now commonly referred to as ‘sensate focus’ in the practice of sexology was put forward by our own Vatsyayana thousands of years ago.
So, integrate sensuality, relationship and a little feeling into your sexuality. Be receptive to variety, both to give and take. Ask your partner what she would like. Tell her what you like. If you have never verbalised your desires before, now is the time to do so. Try making love at any suitable time of the day, in any part of the house, the kitchen top, the dining table, under the shower, a bubble-filled bath tub or on the carpet of your living room, in front of a blazing fireplace. The options are limitless.
Let your imagination run riot! But don’t just limit yourself to fantasising. Put it into action with your partner. You won’t know what it is till you try it.