More articles by

Dr D Narayana Reddy
Dr D Narayana Reddy

JUST SEX

Punishing partner

Denial of sex in marriage is detrimental to the relationship

Denying sex to husband for a long time without any justification amounts to mental cruelty and is a ground for divorce, the Delhi High Court has said.

Why do and how do people deny sex to their marital partners? Anger is at the root of marital/ sexual discord. The anger or hostility may be within one’s consciousness or beyond awareness. This will express overtly (by outright denial of sex) or covertly (using one excuse or the other). Overt anger can be dealt with, but covert anger is often denied or not perceived and its manifestations then are rationalised.

When the anger is covert, the partner is denied sex as a punishment. This sabotage takes many forms and effectively deprives the partner of conjugal bliss. In essence, in poor sexual relationships, one partner fails to encourage the sexual expression of the other. Instead, one subtly punishes, discourages, frustrates and undermines the other’s sexual confidence in a covert manner which is not recognised or appreciated by either. Sometimes such hidden enemies are incredibly sensitive to the needs and points of weakness of the other and use this knowledge to effectively ‘castrate’. The following are some clever sexual sabotages commonly encountered in clinical practice.

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Pressure and tension: The seductive lover carefully creates an ambience of relaxation and builds up the partner’s self-esteem. An excellent means to destroy sex is to do the opposite, to create pressure and tension prior to the act of lovemaking. Some persons pick quarrels, make demands, criticise and insult the partner, and bring up anxiety-provoking topics such as money worries just before initiating lovemaking.

Other effective ways of pressuring the partner are: just prior to, or preferably during lovemaking, demand sexual performance; to let him know you expect him to have an instant erection; to insist that only coital orgasm is acceptable; to indicate the partner is not pleasing and not tell him/her what would please. An especially effective anti-sexual device is to say something that will mobilise the partner’s anger or anxiety about being abandoned.

Making oneself repulsive: A person in a romantic conquest may go to infinite trouble to make oneself appealing. In sharp contrast is the partner who unconsciously destroys one’s sexual appeal. Such persons become fat, take no care with grooming, or, more subtly, move in a stiff, non-sensuous manner, or speak in harsh tones.

Frustrating the partner’s sexual desires: Frustration of sexual wishes is the exact reverse of seduction. The sabotaging partner is highly sensitive to what the other desires and withholds this, usually with the excuse that the craved activity is too anxiety-provoking, disgusting, taxing or immoral.

Whatever may be the motive, whatever may the method of sabotage, denial of sex to the marital partner is detrimental to the relationship. Seeking therapeutic help or parting ways amicably is better than living in an acrimonious relationship.

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Topics : #Sex

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