New Delhi, Nov 7 (PTI) Sonia Gandhi "always disliked" politics and was at war with herself over whether she should take the plunge into the political world after her husband Rajiv Gandhi's assassination, but the Bhagavad Gita helped resolve her doubts and showed her the path forward.
The former Congress chief, while talking about the internal conflict and turmoil she went through in the years before her active foray into politics, says in her new book that as the party was facing a challenging time in the late 1990s, each time she walked past Rajiv's picture and that of her mother-in-law Indira Gandhi's, a mixture of pain and guilt would seize her.
She recalled how her children, Rahul and Priyanka Gandhi, "argued fiercely" with her as they feared she might allow herself to get drawn into politics and "they didn't want to lose me, too".
"I was caught in a war with myself: part of me recoiled at the world of politics, of the ambition and greed, hypocrisy and treachery that goes inescapably with the game of power everywhere," she says.
Tormented by the pull of duty and her fears, Gandhi says she turned to the Bhagavad Gita, and as her readings were drawing to a close and Krishna expounded the message, "perform your dharma without regard for the fruit of your action", "something awoke in me".
"I had the answer to my own doubts and questions. I had to step out and go where my duty called. And I did," Gandhi adds.
Recalling her journey after losing her husband in 1991, Gandhi says that as she gradually emerged from seclusion and became a little more active, "once in a while Rajiv's former colleagues would visit -- some for a courtesy call, or to invite me to a family function, others with pleas that I take an active interest in party affairs".
To the latter I would listen quietly but not heed their request," says Gandhi in her book 'Belonging: A Journey of Love', excerpts of which have been published by The Hindu.
Noting that the 1996 election results were disappointing for the Congress as it had not been able to form a government on its own, Gandhi says the party was plagued by splits and factional disputes.
"In 1995 I had been asked to support one particular group, in which the main actors were Arjun Singh, N.D. Tiwari, and Mohsina Kidwai, who'd been party members for decades and had held important positions and ministries. I had refused. They broke away and formed another party, followed the next year by senior Tamil leaders G.K. Moopanar and P. Chidambaram, and a younger Congress member, Madhavrao Scindia, who'd joined in 1980. All of them set up separate parties.
"In 1997, Mamata Banerjee left, due to differences with the state leadership, and formed her own party, the Trinamool Congress. I had become a primary member in 1997 when I was invited by the Congress President Sitaram Kesri to the party's 80th Plenary Session in Calcutta, but as the party's situation seemed to be worsening, the pressure on me was increasing to take over its leadership," she says in the soon-to-be-launched book published by HarperCollins India.
Gandhi says she began to feel agitated, brooding on what was going on in the Congress party, worrying about its fate. She recalls that articles in the media were painting a sorry picture of its future.
"Each time I walked past Rajiv's picture and my mother-in-law's, a mixture of pain and guilt would seize me; at times I'd even deliberately avoid looking at them,"
Pointing out that the India of her belonging had come to her through her husband and her mother-in-law, Sonia Gandhi, the Congress' longest-serving president, says the very forces they had fought against for decades to protect India's pluralistic ethos were now bent upon a path that would do untold damage.
How could I sit comfortably at home and let their work and their sacrifices go in vain, she says.
"I felt tormented. I'd wake up in the middle of the night wondering what I should do, asking myself which way I should go. Had I not fought at every step against a life in politics? Had it not cruelly taken away from me first my mother-in-law, then the love of my life, my children's father? Why, why was I feeling that strong urge to respond to the demand being made of me?" she says in the book.
"I'd always disliked politics, even during all the years when Rajiv was in public life. But now I was beginning to understand what had compelled him, what I had then so strongly resisted: the pull of duty towards his mother, his country. That pull was now getting hold of me. It scared me, I tried to fight it, but it kept coming back to haunt me," she says.
"I was caught in a war with myself: part of me recoiled at the world of politics, of the ambition and greed, hypocrisy and treachery that goes inescapably with the game of power everywhere.
"But I couldn't repudiate the inner compulsions that had been drilled into me from my childhood -- diligence in assigned tasks, respect towards elders, obedience to parents, fidelity to family norms," Gandhi says in the book that would be out in India on November 10.
"They kept gnawing at me. Where my duty lay was clear to me; what that implied was the terrifying part," she says.
The struggle went on, through nights of broken sleep and anxious days, she says.
"I felt tortured, alone -- longing for something, an anchor to hold on to, someone, something to guide me and help me out of my fears and doubts. Was it a subconscious search that would lead me to where I already knew in my heart I had to go?" she says.
"I've never been religious in all my adult life, though I respect all faiths, but it was during this period that I felt the urge to go back to the Bhagavad Gita. I had read it when I was much younger.
"The ancient book and the great story of which it was a part were everywhere, permeating the life and thought of millions. I was aware of its profound effect on the heroes of the independence movement. I'd witnessed its representations in theatre, in festivals and other forms. I'd heard its couplets recited again and again by political personalities to make a point or to enlighten," she says.
Gandhi asked her office to enquire if she could take some classes at home and the name of Professor Vachaspati Upadhyaya "Shastriji as we called him, a gentle, unassuming, and erudite scholar who was also known to our family, came up", according to the book.
He agreed to explain the deeper philosophical meaning of the Gita to her in his spare time, Gandhj says.
"Starting in January 1997, I sat with him periodically over a volume chosen from Rajiv's bookshelves, a Sanskrit edition with Hindi and English translations below each couplet.
"Shastriji would recite a verse or two in Sanskrit, I'd read out the Hindi translation, and he'd explain the meaning. We started slowly, but I see from my office appointment diary that in December 1997 we had many sessions. Our readings continued at a pace until our last one, on January 5, 1998," she recalls.
On her children, she says, "Rahul and Priyanka were aware of my restlessness and feared I might allow myself to get drawn into politics. Just as I had fought with Rajiv, my two children now argued fiercely with me.
"They had been through the ordeals of losing their grandmother and their father; there were only the three of us now left of our family; they didn't want to lose me, too, they said emphatically."
They extracted a promise from her before leaving for their New Year vacation not to do "anything crazy", according to the excerpts from the book.
"I was on my own now with my churning thoughts. The readings were drawing to a close. Krishna has expounded the message of the Gita: Perform your dharma without regard for the fruit of your action. Arjuna, the Pandava prince, declares that his illusion is now dispelled; he is restored to himself, firm and free from all doubts, and ready to play his part in the battle," she says.
"Something awoke in me: I was sure. I had the answer to my own doubts and questions. I had to step out and go where my duty called. And I did," Gandhi adds.
The memoir recounts her marriage to Rajiv Gandhi and her introduction to her mother-in-law, former prime minister Indira Gandhi, as well as her efforts to adjust to life in India, including learning Hindi, wearing saris and adapting to Indian food and culture.
It covers the major tragedies that transformed the Gandhi family, including the death of Sanjay Gandhi in a plane crash, Indira Gandhi's assassination in 1984 and Rajiv Gandhi's assassination in 1991.
(This story has not been edited by THE WEEK and is auto-generated from PTI)