We’ve got it all wrong. The incident at Shanghai Airport on November 21 was beautifully explained to me by a PR Chap (PRC) of the Chinese Communist Party. This is how the illuminating dialogue went:
PRC: Indians getting it wrong. In fact, Ms Prema Wangjom Thongdok is newly-appointed brand ambassador of China Tourism.
Me: Oh, that’s nice! But why does China need a brand ambassador for tourism?
PRC: Look at numbers. Last year the number of Indians who travelled to China was just around 1,40,000.
Me: I guess more Indians prefer Japan - it’s a lovely tourist destination. And then, their prime minister is the elegant Sanae Takaichi while your president looks congenitally constipated.
PRC: We are going to change all that - with help from Ms Pema.
Me: But she was detained at Shanghai Airport for 18 hours.
PRC: You see, we are loving her too much. We could not bear to see her go.
Me: Also, officials of China Eastern Airline and the Immigration guys got together and mocked Pema.
PRC: No, we cracking little jokes. To make friendly company, like good club.
Me: Ah, such wit!
PRC: Other countries are saying to Indians - don’t overstay. We are saying: Stay over, stay over.
Me: But you didn’t give her any food.
PRC: All misunderstanding.
Me: Frankly, by not offering her food, you were doing her a favour. Authentic Chinese food is inedible. And when she asked for water, you told her to go and get it herself.
PRC: Yes, so she sees more of our beautiful Shanghai airport.
Me: But what happened two years ago with the incursions at Galawan?
PRC: Oh, no. We were not invading. We were trying to come closer to Indians and embracing them - all part of our charm offensive.
Me: And why did you start giving Chinese names to Indian villages and hills earlier this year?
PRC: Nicknames. We like Indian places so much, we are giving them pet names.
Me: Ah, how nice to have friends like you!
PRCC: We also making so many things for Indian market especially during festival season.
Me: Yes, but you make stuff that doesn’t last. You buy a Chinese gadget on Dhanteras, it conks out before Bhai Dhooj.
PRC: Oh, yes. We make cheap so that you need to come to us again and again.
Me: What a great way of building bonds! One gadget at a time. When that conks out, we come again and buy another, then another. That’s continuous customer engagement.
PRC: Trust all misunderstanding cleared up. And you will respond to the Great Call of China.
Me: Am so happy. We were about to protest by refusing to play cricket with you.
PRC: But we not playing cricket anyway.
Me: Ah, so let’s play Chinese Checkers. And get your brand ambassador as referee.
The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author’s and do not purport to reflect the opinions or views of THE WEEK.
