News just doesn’t make sense to me anymore. That’s why I love grand, unifying theories which join the dots, offer unexpected explanations and leave behind a delightful, tangy flavour. Here are a few of my favourite conspiracy theories:
The Greta Good
This Swedish girl who came out of nowhere is telling us that the way we react to climate change is all wrong. What does she know! For most of us, things are pretty straightforward. The way we react to climate change is to turn the thermostat, sometimes this way, sometimes that. So Greta Thunberg must have a hush-hush reason to ask us to do things differently. It’s a secret known only to very few around the world. I am one of them. After you read this, you will be another. Did you know Greta is the brand ambassador (undercover) for water heater companies. Surprised? Well, global warming is hitting their market hard, and the warmer the globe gets, the smaller will be the demand for heating appliances. So they are hitting back, and Greta is their secret weapon (you can call it toolkit if you like).
Right now, what has got every Indian’s goat is Greta’s tweet in support of the agitating farmers. What, you will ask, have water heaters to do with the farmers at the gates of Delhi – if anything, they are against the Adanis of ports and airports, not the Bajajs of domestic geysers fame. Ah, the plot thickens for here lies Greta’s second, even more sinister secret. The girl with the dragon tattoo (she hails from Stieg Larsson’s land) is out to cast a blight on the world. It’s obvious to me. If it’s not obvious to you, just focus on her name for a while, and count the letters. Adds up to 13! Need I say more?
The Second Surge
Things seem to be getting bad once again, with an alarming COVID uptick in many states. Really? The truth, my dear friends, is that this is all part of a diabolical plot to get us to take the vaccines. It’s more than a month since they were cleared for use. The powers-that-be had geared themselves for a torrent but ended up with a trickle. The first solution was to think of a catchy slogan that would persuade people to take the jab. They came up with what they thought was a winner: ‘Don’t Vacillate, just Vaccinate’. When that didn’t do the trick, sinister minds came up with Plan B. Flood a pliant media with reports of a resurgence of the virus, and scare the pants off the dilly-dalliers and force them to queue up for the vaccines. This may not score high on ethics but all is fair in love, war and conspiracy theories.
World’s Envy, Nation’s Pride
Let me now tell you the real reason why our country is being afflicted by poverty, squalor, intolerance and discontent (you can add house flies to the list of woes). The reason can be expressed in one word: envy. The West is, and always was, insanely jealous of us. They can’t stand our shining achievements, e.g., how we are successfully battling the pandemic (ignore the recent surge). They are shame-faced when they learn of our glorious history dating back to the golden age of the Guptas, our democracy, and our excellent systems. Their darkest fear is that if things are allowed to continue, India will become a superpower before you can say ‘Bullet Train’. The only way then for the West to stop us in our tracks was to sponsor mass squatting in Shaheen Bagh, set Bollywood insiders to hound outsiders, get people to make a hue and cry about such everyday events as rapes, lynchings, lootings…. From what we read in the papers, the plan seems to be working beyond the wildest dreams of the plotters.
Oscar for Scam Dog
Not all conspiracies are of recent origin. Let me pull one out of the archives.
In 2009, Slumdog Millionaire bagged a clutch of Oscars? Felt happy, didn’t you? Ah, that is what you were meant to feel. Actually, it was all part of massive conspiracy. Orchestrating the cloak and dagger stuff was Raju Patel, father of lead actor Dev Patel. On paper, Raju was an IT consultant but that was only his day job. In reality, he could have had the Hindujas (officially, Britain’s richest Indians) for breakfast. Son loved acting and father loved son. So when voting for the Oscars began, Raju took himself and his billions to LA and bribed everybody in sight. With the golden statuette under his arm, Raju was sure his son would become Hollywood’s hottest property.
That hasn’t happened, you say? Johnny Depp is Johnny Depp and Dev Patel is…who’s that? Ah, just you wait. Some conspiracies take a long time to bear fruit.
Ryot and Wrong
Conspiracies do not always walk in single file like school children at parade. Sometimes there are double-deckers – like the farmer’s agitation. As everyone knows, it’s not by the farmers themselves but by ‘middle-men’ acting as farmers and dressed for the part. They are doing a good job of it, and if all else fails, Bollywood’s talent scouts will certainly get them to audition for a Do Bigha Zameen sequel.
A parallel conspiracy concerns the people who are going to benefit from the reform bills. Psst, they are two industrialists who desperately want to give up the big bad world of industry and become noble farmers themselves. Since they are natural big thinkers, they aimed to buy up all the arable land going (something only Sharad Pawar had dreamed of earlier). The agitation is but a temporary setback to their plans. Once they succeed in their mission, don’t be surprised at what you will see. Roti will come to you free, but the dal will cost you half your salary.
Now that you’ve heard so many conspiracy theories, you can smile a superior smile at gullible friends who accept things at face value. Next time you hear of something juicy …just nod your head meditatively, look quickly around as if to check if people are overhearing, and murmur in a low voice – there’s more to this than meets the eye.
