I am flabbergasted, dumbfounded, shocked and still shivering. Over countless cigarettes and endless teas, I read reports from various papers and news portals over and over, desperately wishing at least one of them would offer me a consoling bit of news. But I realise that my chances are slim as they are all in this conspiracy against a man, a beloved actor, the one we all lovingly call ettan (elder brother), arrested for his alleged involvement in the molestation of an actor.
I am a proud ettan fan. The kind of fan who would never miss the first day first show of an ettan film and rave about it on every social media platform available. His pranks always amused me, witless innuendos cracked me up every time and the many Unnis he played on screen often lifted my spirits. I turned to his films for fun, life lessons and more.
The man can do no wrong. You ask me why. Well, you see, when you have played the good guy in an endless number of flicks, you ought to have inherited some of that goodness, no? Ettan is the sum of all roles he has ever donned—the affable Solomon in Marykkundoru Kunjaadu, hare-brained Unnikuttan in Welcome to Central Jail, the do-gooder Krishnanunni in Kaaryasthan and scores of other gems. Enough reason for me to believe in the innocence of my ettan.
Okay, you think his innuendos are offensive? Well, here's some news for you. I find them funny. In fact, when I lose sight of my beloved abs, I go on an ettan movie marathon and voila, I laugh until my stomach hurts and my abs clamber back on to the surface. That's ettan for me, you haters.
His favourite method of wooing has always been stalking. And why not? If you are persuasive enough, the girl is left with limited options; nay, just one option—to fall head over heels in love with ettan and his many brainless pranks. In CID Moosa, he went to great lengths to woo the girl he liked, a cleft lip never stood in the way of Sound Thoma, and in King Liar, he lied his way into winning a girl's heart. There is 'nothing' the man can't do.
Man, ettan taught me how to get the girl of my dreams. Okay, I might be single for all intents and purposes, but I guarantee on my singlehood that ettan's time-tested methods of wooing work like a charm.
Even when he tried to be a baddie, I always knew he would have a heart of gold. The petty thief in Meesha Madhavan appealed to me more than any Robin Hood; the cunning smuggler Paramasivam stole my heart in Runway; the scheming King Liar, who survived on fibs, but ultimately saved the day for his childhood crush, had me rooting for him at every lie. Ettan epitomized goodness every time he graced the silver screen.
'Amma' may disown him, the media may hunt him relentlessly, the folks on social media may troll him to no end, but I stand by the man because...man, haven't I listed enough reasons already?
(The article is a work of satire)
