On August 31, 2016, you died. Do you remember where we first met? In an internet café near the college. I was doing my graduation, and was seeing that curly-haired girl. What was that... 15 years ago? Yeah, thereabouts. I barely remember her face now. But, I remember you very well. Every contour and every skin. Every smiley and every haircut you ever took. But, of late, it was getting tough to recognise you.
Yahoo says you did not die, but were reborn. There is this problem with your rebirths, you see. One barely, or never, can recognise the new Yahoo desktop client. I wish you were never reborn. If you were the same old guy, we could have grown old together. Why would I want to get into bed with you now? You look like Pamela Anderson, 2016 edition. Have you seen her lately? Gross!
You know, I think it all went downhill after you started seeing that blonde. Clarissa, was it? Marissa, yeah. She named her kid after a whisky! God, who does that? (Ok, I know someone named Hallelujah.) All said, the McAllister is smooth tipple. I have nothing against McAllister. The whiskey, not the boy. I don’t know him.
Ernie Barsamian, CEO of The Tank Tiger, wrote an untitled poem about you and Clarissa. Marissa, sorry. And, he asked his contacts to move to Intercontinental Exchange’s ICE Instant Messaging. A sample from the poem: “Now I’m just a storage broker, by no means a technocrat/ But when a company like Yahoo is this stupid, I don’t need a thermostat/ What was once a novelty, Yahoo IM, a whole trading industry it begat/ But Marissa Mayer abandoned us like old underwear at a laundromat….” See, I told you everyone hates her. The oil industry guys are mighty cut up on your going. And, so are the bunkers guys. I have sailing friends, you know. They were banking on you big time. So, they are finding new buddies. The Wall Street Journal reported: “Reuters’ Eikon Messenger now counts more than 288,000 users across 25,000 organizations in 180 countries.” Your old buddies are now hanging out with Eikon, ICE, Symphony, Bloomberg LP’s Instant Messaging, Facebook’s WhatsApp and Microsoft’s Skype.
Fortune reports: “Eikon Messenger had done well in the power, natural gas and dry-bulk markets like coal or iron ore, while ICE Instant Messenger had managed to garner much support in oil, and Symphony was heavily supported by banks.”
And, ICE gave four reasons why people are leaving the reborn you: 1, “Users of the new client have the ability to "unsend" a message, which raises compliance concerns for most firms.” ; 2, “The new client does not allow you to turn off chat rooms or restrict multi-party chat rooms.” ; 3, “Distribution lists are not available in Yahoo's new messenger client.”, and 4, “Contact presence is not supported in the new messenger client, so you will not know if a contact is online.” I mean, frankly, what was Macallister’s mother thinking, huh?
Sorry, buddy. I am breaking up with you for your own good. Yeah, that’s what that curly-haired dame told me. Didn’t see this coming? Neither did I.