Breaking news: I woke up as a normal Keralite; and by lunchtime, I had become a ‘Keralamite’. Identity crisis loading… 72%.
You may have heard of rare minerals like bauxite, ilmenite, monazite, and sillimanite—powerful, valuable, and slightly intimidating names usually found in geology textbooks and exam nightmares. Coincidentally, Kerala’s beaches are rich in these minerals.
Now comes the real discovery. A brand-new rare element—Keralamite.
Scientists (also known as confused citizens) are still studying its properties. Early findings suggest:
Keralamite may be highly resistant to heat (especially in April).
Emotionally reactive to sad movie scenes.
Strong bonding with tea and banana chips.
Naturally found near beaches, buses, and WhatsApp groups.
But the real philosophical question remains: If the state becomes “Keralam”, what happens to the word “Keralite”? Of which I was proud of so far!
Do we upgrade? Rebrand? Or simply evolve like Pokémon?
“Keralamite” sounds less like a person and more like something you would mine near Chavara and export for aerospace research.
Meanwhile, “Keralamian” sounds like a rare mineral discovered by NASA. Imagine a headline: “New rare mineral Keralamian found—highly stable, loves rain, speaks Malayalam fluently.”
Even scholars are scratching their heads. Is this a linguistic update or a geological transformation?
Before anyone panics and rushes to update Aadhaar, passport, ration card, school certificate, and that one laminated ID from 2008, please relax. Your old documents will remain valid; no sudden identity meltdown. There will be no immediate change in documents—a mercy of the ‘janakeeya sarkaar’. Thank god!
There is no need to renew everything immediately. Gradually, and very politely, ‘Kerala’ will continue appearing in government records, legal documents, passports, maps, educational certificates, and international agreements. In short: bureaucracy will move at its natural, majestic speed.
Eventually, the new name will gracefully appear on the state seal, official logo, letter pads, government boards, websites and possibly enter tea stall discussions too.
Of course, a name change is not just emotional, it is also economical. New boards, new stationery, new branding, new printing… and suddenly the budget is doing yoga stretches.
Yes, the name change may lead to a financial burden. But, let’s be honest. Compared to the cost of weddings, fuel, and online shopping, this might just be another “adjust cheyyam” situation.
So, am I a Keralite? A Keralamite? A Keralamian?
Or just a human who will still say “Kerala” out of habit for the next 20 years?
Whatever the official name becomes, one thing is certain:
Rain will still pour, tea will still boil, politics will still trend, and we will still proudly say, “Ende naadu… Keralam (formerly known as Kerala), forever.”
Dr Mathew Joys is based in Las Vegas.
