Manoj Bajpayee recalls the time he was 'close to committing suicide'

There were so many days where I went hungry; even a vada pav was expensive, he said

Manoj-Bajpayee via Facebook

Manoj Bajpayee never had it easy. Hailing from a non-filmy background, the actor had to struggle for years before finding his feet in Bollywood.

In a recent post on the Facebook page 'Humans of Bombay', the actor recalled his struggling years. Speaking about his early years, the actor said, “ I’m a farmer’s son. I grew up in a small village in Bihar with five siblings, and we went to a hut school there. We led a simple life, but whenever we went to the city, we’d go to the theatre. I was a big Amitabh Bachchan fan– I wanted to be just like him. I was 9, but I knew that acting was my destiny.”

However, he continued his studies as he knew he “couldn’t even afford to dream,” “But my mind refused to focus on anything but acting, so at 17, I left my village to go to Delhi University.”

In Delhi, he got into theatre, but his family did not have any idea about it. Later, he wrote a letter to his father, telling him that he wanted to be an actor. According to Bajpayee, his father was not angry, “instead, he sent me 200 rupees to cover my fees! People back home called me ‘bhaand’ and ‘good for nothing’ but I turned a blind eye.”

Bajpayee said he started learning English and Hindi as he was trying to fit in. He said he came close to committing suicide after he was rejected by the National School of Drama thrice. “I've never come as close to committing suicide as I did then. My friends were scared– they would sleep next to me and not leave me alone. They encouraged me to keep going, until finally, I was accepted.”

“That year, I was at a nukkad chai shop when I saw my friend Tigmanshu coming on his khatara scooter, looking for me– Shekhar Kapur wanted to cast me in Bandit Queen! Thinking that I was finally ready, I moved to Mumbai.”

His said his initial four years in Mumbai were the hardest and added that there was an instance of an assistant director ripping his photo and throwing it away. “I rented a chawl with 5 friends and ran from one studio to the next for work. No roles came my way. Once, an AD ripped my photo up and threw it. Another time, I lost 3 projects in a day.”

“I was even told to take my costume off and get out after my first shot. I didn’t fit the ideal ‘hero’ face they were looking for and they were convinced I didn’t belong on the big screen. All the while, I barely had money– I struggled to make rent and there were so many days where I went hungry; even a vada pav was expensive.”

He said after four years of struggle, he got a part in a TV series for which he was paid Rs 1,500 per episode. “It was my first ‘steady’ income. My work was noticed and I was offered my first Bollywood film, and soon, I got my big break with ‘Satya’.”

“That’s when the awards rolled in. I bought my first house and knew… I was here to stay. 67 films later, here I am. That’s the thing about dreams– when it comes to turning them into reality, the struggle and hardships don’t matter. What matters is the belief of that 9-year-old Bihari boy, and nothing else.”