Other countries have their terrorists, we Indians have our tourists! We strike fear into the hearts of our hosts, bomb buffet tables, storm shopping malls, and do the garba where angels fear to tread. Around the world, strong men tremble when they hear the cry, ‘The Indians are coming!’
Well, the reports coming in from Vietnam, Ireland, New Zealand, England and Thailand are making it look worse than it actually is. All that our tourists are trying to do is make travel and tourism less boring. Mark our words—we are only adding to the gaiety of global tourism.
Here is what we actually do.
BOMBING THE BREAKFAST TABLE
We begin the day early—right at the breakfast table. One Indian is an anxious diner. Two Indians are more assertive when they reach for the expensive avocados or almonds on the table. Three Indians are a suction pump. Before you know it, the long table is denuded of all the more expensive items from various sections. Our choice is not driven by the primal need of hunger. It is governed by the even more primal need of getting maximum Return on Investment. Also, we are eaters with foresight, who know that lunch is far away and dinner is even further. So we go in for a hybrid model—combining breakfast with takeaway. It works this way—eat all you can and parcel the rest. Since we have no wish to trouble the wait staff by asking them for containers, we come prepared, hiding under our jackets plastic tiffin boxes, zip-lock bags, flasks, bottles and sometimes in desperation, even the homespun thaili [bag]. Now that foreign hotel staff have got to know our tendencies, they try to hide the pricey items or push them high above our reach. Our mission then is to rip off the covers and prise them out. That’s how your boring Continental breakfast turns into a spirited tug-of-war. May the better team win!
PAN-INDIA PHENOMENON
Indian tourists are not the sort who will discreetly melt into the background. We will make ourselves seen, heard and felt. That’s our nature, and you can’t argue with DNA. When we visit famous monuments, we are constantly chewing the cud. That is our way of relaxing. It could be paan, paan masala, chiwda, poha, dal moth—essential items in our baggage. Where does the residue of all this go? Where else but on the sides of those famous monuments! Rare is the sidewalk in London now where an Indian tourist has not left his multi-hued signature. The conservancy staff at Swiss alpine resorts have no problem locating missing Indian tourists. They just need to follow the trail of the empty paan masala sachets and the splatter on the snow. Elementary, dear Watson!
HARK! THE TOURIST CALLS
Deep in wildlife resorts, everything is hush. The guides speak to you in whispers. You can only hear the leaves rustling. The world is holding its breath. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the calm is shattered as a well-beloved number—‘Aaj kal tere mere pyaar ke charche har zubaan par’—rips through the air. Is it the cry of an animal pack? Is it the call of a bird? It’s antakshari! Ah, we exclaim, happy that the tension has been relieved. Antakshari is our national party game that has long since displaced tombola. Since we are high-decibel people by nature, an antakshari with the party in full gusto can be louder than the loudest sound in the jungle—the lion’s roar. You will not mind the racket once you learn the rules and join the game. Your cue is the last syllable by the previous singer. Enjoy!
THE QUEUE BEGINS WITH YOU
Brush up your Bollywood and you will remember Amitabh Bachchan’s sonorous Hum jahan khade hote hain, line wahi se shuru hoti hain [The queue begins from where we stand]. When we travel abroad, we are all Amitabhs. Most tourist attractions have long queues. We Indians are busy people, we have businesses to attend to. There is also the element mentioned earlier—Return on Investment. We begin to wonder whether it was worth spending all that money just to stand in a long line. That is why we have converted queues into a mela, like the ones we have at our fairs. Since we have long experience of melas, we can soon work our way to the head of the queue. Soon, you will learn the tricks, too.
We are like this only. Please adjust.
