The Japanese word for menopause is konenki, which means renewal and energy, a time of growth, rebirth and renewed purpose. I dare say it is no coincidence that Japanese women are reported to experience a lower severity of menopausal symptoms.
Why is it that so many other milestones of a woman’s life, like puberty and pregnancy, are celebrated, but not menopause? Menopause is in need of a radical rebranding. In India, where taboos around female life stages are gradually breaking down through social awareness campaigns, it is remarkable that menopause is dismissed and hidden. Both women and men find it hard to acknowledge. This, despite the fact that while not all women will conceive, 100 per cent of women will experience menopause and perimenopausal symptoms, ranging from hot flashes to brain fog, to mood swings to even depression.
“But my mother never complained,” a 40-year-old man protested.
“Did you ever think, maybe she had no choice, no outlet, no support from her family, no sympathetic ear? Maybe she had to silently bear it,” I retorted. The man in question paused. “Tell me more. I want to be educated,” he said.
First, we must begin to acknowledge that the end of fertility is not the decline of a woman. It represents a new, expanded stage of a woman’s journey. Dr Lisa Mosconi, a neuroscientist who studies the menopausal brain, says that once a woman’s mind is no longer preoccupied with reproductive cycles, her brain quickly rewires at menopause. This is a direct challenge to society’s narrative that a woman is useless if she cannot naturally have babies. In fact, science is telling us that menopause is a great time to start a business, start painting again, travel, have new and richer experiences and relationships. A woman at 50 embodies very different values and life experiences than at 20. She is a force to reckon with. Perhaps that is the threat that menopause signals―a woman no longer tied to her familial duties has always been viewed with suspicion and prejudice in India. I say, we are not done; we are just getting started!
But of course we need a lot more education, conversation and support around this vital life stage.
In my case, I lost my period at 37 with the force of a test dummy crashing into a wall. That was how the doctor described chemo-induced menopause: a Ferrari hitting a wall at 100 miles an hour. I was given the option to freeze my eggs in preparation for a stem cell transplant before my menstruation career ended, but it was mentioned in passing, an issue secondary to my treatment for multiple myeloma, the blood cancer I was battling. And I had to face the ‘fallacy of misplaced concreteness’, the fact that change can happen swiftly and when you least expect it. Because even as I was not longing for children at that moment in my life, I certainly did not anticipate that the choice would be yanked from beneath me so unceremoniously and callously.
My doctors could only offer me prescriptions for post-menopausal symptoms or the latest technological solutions for an awakening desire for motherhood. If you think about it, much of contemporary medical advice has been shaped by an outdated male-dominated medical community bending its professional opinions to market pharma-backed hormone therapy. Where could I turn to for empathy? It soon dawned on me that I needed female friends and aunties who had already walked the path. Like my Neeta auntie, who told me: “I have had my kids, now I live for myself. And, my period? I don’t even remember when it stopped. I just use extra lubrication now for my skin down there.” She laughed. Open and generous, these mark the older women, whose faces spoke as frankly as their words. I found refuge in their presence.
This menopausal phase has contained a surplus of grace. I met my husband, wrote my first book, moved across four cities, started a family at 46. It might even appear that this phase marks a release from constriction and a wildly fertile period.
Here’s what I believe: the post-menopausal period is as intrinsic a part of the creative cycle as the bleeding womb. No matter how it comes to a woman―as instant impact or perimenopausal flashes―and no matter how many times you have heard it, menopause is not your decline. It must be acknowledged for what it is―a passage to empowerment.
Konenki.
Ray is an actor, author, pro-ager and entrepreneur who regularly posts about menopause.