It was in 2015 that I first spoke about depression. Since then, not a day goes by when someone around me does not acknowledge that they have become more aware of their mental health. And that is where I feel great. I was vulnerable. I was honest. And I am glad that my honesty has paid off. I am glad that it has allowed other people to address their own mental health issues.
The first step to recovery in cases of mental health, I believe, is acknowledging and accepting. It was really liberating for me. I would do it all over again. Of course, for someone who has been through it, you start identifying the signs and symptoms. And that is the best part. Once it has happened to you, you will always know when it is happening again. It is always easier to identify it and act upon it. Over time, I have started realising what my trigger points are. While working on my recent film Chhapaak, for example, it is just the role that took a toll on me. I could not identify a trigger point, it was the role itself that was a trigger point.
My friend and I were chatting the other day. We are so silly sometimes because we know exactly what the trigger points are, but one keeps challenging it because you feel ki ab nahi hoga (it will not happen now), and then boom, one day again it comes back and you are like, “Oh, god! Stupid girl! Why?”
When that happens, when I realise that it has spiralled again, I do not hide it. I do not pretend that I am okay. Never. The first thing I do is making people around me aware that I am not okay. And so much has changed now from the time I first started speaking about it. Now, when I tell people, “I am not feeling okay”or “I am not feeling too well”, the first question is, “is it physical or emotional?”It is not taken for granted that it is physical. We are able to differentiate that, which is the best part.
Commenting on what helps when you are diagnosed with depression, whether it is medication or therapy, would not be right on my part. I am not an expert. I think it is different for different people. But I feel it is a combination of all the things. I am still on medication. Because you never know what the triggers are, or what suddenly can spiral. I would never want to go back into that place again. Different people get different advice. Some doctors are always trying to wean off their patients. Some recommend them to continue taking medicine. But it is never one thing—it is not just counselling or just medication that helps. When you know it is depression you are living with, your entire lifestyle has to change, which I try and do as much as possible.
As a society also we are changing. There are NGOs that are doing their bit to create awareness. With The Live Love Laugh Foundation, we have worked to increase awareness and reduce the stigma associated with mental illness.
I think the government has also stepped up. In a couple of sessions that the prime minister has done, especially during exam time, I see him talk about mental health. From an allocation perspective, when you look at the health budget, certainly the overall allocation for mental health can be increased. We are definitely struggling with a demand and supply ratio as far as counsellors and therapists are concerned. Rehabilitation of people struggling with mental health issues is something the government should look into more aggressively.
Another aspect that I think is really important is how the insurance companies work around it. They need to relook their policies and see how mental health becomes a part of them. There is a lot of work to be done in that space.
An actor and producer, Padukone is founder, The Live Love Laugh Foundation.
AS TOLD TO PRIYANKA BHADANI