To err is human, to get good PR guys onboard is smart. As things stand, however, there is an embarrassing PR deficit in much of what we do. Actually, stupid PR isn’t something that has cropped up of late. It has been around longer than you and I―in fact right from Adam and Eve. How incredibly naïve of the authorities back then to call the apple from the Tree of Knowledge ‘forbidden fruit’! Forbidding anything is the surest incentive for red-blooded mortals to want to take a bite. If only there were PR experts around, they would have packaged the apple as ‘High Phosphorus Health Food’, and made sure that nobody in his or her right mind would touch it. Since then, branding and PR experts are doing their best to make the bad things sound good. Some topped, some flopped.
Humpty Dumpty Rupee
Our Hon’ble Finance Minister Nirmala Sitharaman isn’t a professional PR person in the strict sense of the term. But like Amitabh Bachchan in Namak Halaal who could ‘walk English, talk English…’, Sitharaman can walk PR, talk PR, and laugh PR well enough to leave the PR professionals behind. While all of us were bemoaning the fall of the rupee, our finance minister put matters in perspective. “The rupee is not sliding,” she pointed out, with oracular insight, “it is the dollar strengthening.” Wah! I am so relieved.
Kejriwal Counter Feat
The sharpest minds in the world are working to crank up the economy. Some of them win Nobel Prizes, others try to win the Gujarat elections, and one of them is Arvind Kejriwal. His ‘Eureka’ moment in monetary theory came when he told us that the reason our economy was doing badly was because of Gandhi ji, the Red Fort, the Sanchi Stupa, etc. No, it’s not because none of them voted AAP, it’s because their pictures on our currency notes were a dampening influence. He suggested we replace them with images of Lord Ganesh and Goddess Lakshmi. God-Help-Us! Kejriwal and I mean that literally. While the idea may not have found acceptance, it’s made everybody happy. We, the people, are happy because we may have found in Kejriwal a worthy successor to Abhijit Banerjee―our last Nobel laureate for economics. The gods are happy they have been spared being printed on notes that would sooner or later pass from greasy palm to grasping hand. As for Kejriwal, he is laughing all the way to the bank―er…, the vote bank.
‘Musketeer’ Wields the Axe
Elon Musk’s online dismissal of Vijaya Gadde with a brusque ‘You’re fired’ may have been fake but the memory lingers. Since then, there’s been a pink-slip pandemic with en masse sacking in Meta and Amazon. Our hearts go out to the staff and to an industry going down the tube. But most of all, our hearts go out to the process of sacking itself. Musk’s ham-handedness has made wielding the axe a vulgar spectator sport. It wasn’t always like this. In the good old days, PR ensured that sacking was communicated with the delicacy of touch usually associated with condoling bereavement. You could be, as the expression goes, ‘kicked upstairs’. Or you could find yourself summarily, inexplicably transferred, e.g., from Paris to Palakkad. They could make things easy for you by publishing an advertisement for the very post you are holding. As you go through the job description, qualifications required, etc., realisation will slowly dawn that you are reading your own obituary Gently, does it, Mr Musk.
The Himalayan Yogi
After the 2G scam, elaborate schemes to rob hard-pressed tax-payers have become commonplace. So how do you tell one from another or in advertising terms, what is their USP? Early this year, smart PR showed the way. The man in the cross-hairs was not your usual oily businessman or wily politician. It was a Himalayan Yogi―a ‘Siddha Purusha’ adept at e-mails, and keen to hear top secret tattle about which brokers to favour and whom to promote out of turn in the office. Brand experts would hail this paranormal paramahansa as the ‘big idea’, for it distracted us long enough to help Chitra Ramkrishna escape media glare. Eventually, of course, the long arm of the law brought the yogi down to earth. But don’t expect very much, folks. If our law enforcement agencies can’t arrest beer-bellied barons and diamantaires (posh term for another fat cat from Zaveri Bazaar), what chance do they have against a yogi from the Himalayas!
Russia vs Ukraine
It’s clear that the Ukrainians are winning―if not the war on the ground, certainly the battle in people’s minds. Putin’s image of invincibility, despite his iron physique and his famous walk, lies in tatters. That’s not because of Putin but because of PR. Russia makes great vodka and caviar but their books are long, their movies boring and their PR tongue-tied. First of all, they didn’t tell us it never was a war. It was actually an opportunity for NATO to field-test their high-tech missile systems. The impression we now have is of Ukrainians courageously fighting great odds. And all the Russians seem to be doing is wrecking hospitals and shutting off their electricity. So the next time Zelenskyy makes a piteous call for more missile systems, Putin must make an even louder plea for better PR agencies. That should turn the tide.
Football is Batting for Cricket
What’s the FIFA World Cup? Some people believe it is an ingenious PR exercise devised by the BCCI to help us overcome our disappointment at the pathetic performance of our stars in the recent cricket World Cup. When you are caught with your pants down, the best thing to do is distract attention by pointing in a different direction and yelling, ‘Look There, Snake!’ Going by the theory that the human mind has only limited capacity for fallen heroes, when we see Messi & team come a cropper against Saudi Arabia or Germany going down on its knees to Japan, we will forget about our men in blue. So, Rahul, Rohit and Pant can escape unscathed.
Drowning Street!
For a long time, big-ticket builders had led some people to believe that if they paid upwards of Rs35,000 per sq. foot, they would be flood-proof. Imagine their mortification when they saw waters of decidedly middle-class colour and origins enter their exclusive portals. Opulent optimists have alas turned soggy pessimists, cynically wondering if they need to recalibrate their speedometers for nautical miles per hour. Now, obviously, even the world’s most competent PR professionals can’t prevent the rain from falling. But what they can do, however, is to change our perceptions. A weather forecast that warns us of ‘Heavy rain, and the possibility of flooding’ makes all the money spent on storm water drainage seem literally like money down the drain. But things will change depending on the spin you give it. Instead of the conventional forecast, focus on the positive by saying brightly: ‘Wonderful stay-at-home weather. Time for onion bhajiyas.’ If large tracts of your manicured neighbourhood are likely to get inundated, make a good impression by saying: ‘City elders pledge to build Temporary, Free Swimming Pools across city. Happy splashing!’
Sologamy, the Way Forward
Shama Bindu from Vadodara did not just think out of the box, she married out of the box. In place of conventional matrimony, she opted for ‘sologamy’, and got wedded to herself. Unfortunately, all she got for her efforts were amusing headlines. That’s because most people don’t know that India’s population is growing fast, and by next year, we could overtake China to become the world’s most populous nation. Clearly then, what India needs now is more ‘self’ marriages―Shama style. The PR angle to this is obvious. Our prime minister has been telling us all along to be self-reliant or ‘aatmanirbhar’. Shama has followed his advice to the hilt, giving us all a shining example of extreme ‘aatmanirbharta’.
Dog’s Own Country
It was back in 1989 that an ad agency came up with a masterpiece ‘God’s Own Country’. The line may not have been original, but it did what few slogans do―fit in so well with our own image of the product that it became Kerala’s tagline. But that was then; now an unsung genius with biting (excuse the pun) sarcasm has christened the state ‘Dog’s Own Country’. Given the number of stray dogs being allowed to run free, this too is apt. But there is competition from our national capital. In Delhi, an IAS couple, Sanjeev Khirwar and Rinku Dhugga, gave their pet dog enviable treatment. They had the Thyagaraj Stadium shut early so that the athletes using the grounds would be out of the way and they could walk their pet in peace. Now, it is up to us to decide which state is going to the dogs faster.
In the Fitness of Things
Say yoga, and the first neta who comes to mind is our prime minister. That’s PR at work because out there in Bengal, Didi is also doing her bit to promote yoga. A couple of months ago, she publicly castigated a member of her party for his size XL potbelly. As she put it in her inimitable style: “How can you have such a big ‘Madhya Pradesh’? She went a step further and offered the out-of shape party worker prize money of Rs1,000 if he demonstrated 1,000 kapal bhatis (an asana involving the forced exhalation of breath). How often have you seen a leader put their money where their mouth is?
Apna Time Aayega
When Winston Churchill said all those nasty things about Indians―“rogues and free-booters, men of straw”, etc―we didn’t say a word. Silence is sometimes strategic PR. We kept our fingers crossed or rather we kept them splayed for that’s how it is done in rap. Under our breath, we hummed ‘Apna Time Aayega’. Enoch Powell came and went. Brexit came and went. Apna Time Aayega, we told ourselves. Finally, with Rishi Sunak our time has come. We can savour the thought of Sir Winston turning in his crypt at Blenheim Palace. Now we need to follow the same strategy in the US because Kamala Harris is just a couple of steps away. Indians will rule the world. Apna Time Aayega.
A Blunder a Day
It’s not easy building Brand Rahul Gandhi. He has always been saying the wrong thing but now he has perfected the art. He says it at the most embarrassing moment. There were a million other occasions when he could have said what he thought about Veer Savarkar, but he chose the very moment to express his views when his allies (all sworn Savarkar fans) had joined his yatra. A faux pas? Yes, but the PR guys worthwhile are those who find the silver lining in every black cloud. If you have had enough of politicians and their pretence, turn to the one who is obviously too naïve to be a neta. Think about all this in 2024.
I am confident that whatever the world throws at us, our communications guys will help us come out on top. We have nothing to fear―as Bollywood once put it: ‘PR kiya to darna kya’.
The South Says it Better
Tamil Nadu Chief Minister M.K. Stalin can breathe easy. He does not have to fear being overwhelmed by Hindi. For whatever Amit Shah may say or do―even start offering medical education in Hindi―it’s soft power that matters. Ultimately people vote with their cinema tickets, and the recent numbers show that Bollywood’s dreams are losing their shine. More and more people are now dreaming in Kannada, Tamil and Malayalam. Since the PR machinery of the Khans and the Kumars is not delivering as expected, let’s turn to the Rajnis and the Dulquer Salmaans.