The world has been riding a rollercoaster for the past few weeks. We have been trying our hand at decoding the Don and failed spectacularly. Perhaps the problem is not POTUS, it’s his dictionary. So move over Merriam-Webster, Oxford and Cambridge, the book that the world needs right now is the 'Trumpictionary'.
Here are the meanings of some words according to Donald Trump:
Allies: You’d think the word means ‘friends’. But there are no friends in Trump’s worldview. If you clap on cue, think as he does and do as he thinks, you are an ally. Else, be prepared to be bombed into agreement.
Ceasefire: With Trump, you need to first ask: ‘how many sided?’ The ceasefire of last Tuesday, he named ‘double-sided’ and true to his word, the US and Iran have stopped attacking each other. But Israel went on to pound Lebanon. If Israel, Hamas and Hezbollah were to be included, he would have called it a ‘quadrilateral ceasefire’ .
Immigrant: The word is photochromatic; its meaning changes depending on the colour of the person being referred to. When immigrants are dark-skinned, especially Muslim, they are evil people who deserve to be shipped out of the country. When they are white, especially blonde, they become your wife.
Negotiations: It’s where two parties hold a formal meeting to eventually agree with what POTUS has been saying all along. Example of a model negotiator: Pakistan.
F*ck: Trump shocked the world with this word. (We should have seen it coming. American presidents have been free with expletives before.) But Trump is not using it as a swear word; he is using it as a verb. Please excuse. Remember, he’s spent such a long time with Jeffrey Epstein on the islands.
Obliterate: You must have thought all along that ‘obliterate’ means destroy totally. But then, you are literate. As per Trump, when he said he had obliterated Iran’s nuclear facility, he meant he had seen the place on the staff map. When he means business, he needs to ‘re-obliterate’.
Regime change: It’s Trump’s term for what we Indians know as Maya. Sometimes he wants it, and sometimes he believes he already has it.
Stone Age: Trump threatened to bomb Iran back to the Stone Age – the historical period roughly between 4000 BCE and 2000 BCE, where there were no homes, factories or cities standing. On the other hand, it’s also a period before President Trump. Now you decide the better option.
Tariff: In your old dictionary, ‘tariffs’ were part of boring trade transactions. But Trump has weaponised the word and breathed new life and urgency into it. Earlier, to terrify us, he would have to say, “I’ll send B-52 bombers after you.” Now, to get our knees knocking and teeth chattering, all he needs to do is say ‘Tariff’.
Ultimatum: The word sounds as if the end is nigh. But in Trump’s dictionary, it’s a synonym for flexi-time. You give an ultimatum, and if the deadline expires, you renew it. If still nothing happens, you just change the subject. Mum’s the word after ‘ultimatum’.
Win-win: This is a Trump original. He has achieved what the gurus of interpersonal relationships say is the holy grail – the kind of conclusion where all parties involved feel they have gained from the engagement. At the end of each of Trump’s wars, there are no clear winners or losers. Only a lot of fools counting the damage.
