The article humorously describes a gathering of elderly gentlemen, the "Samosas & Serious Study Set," whose wives suspect their primary focus is food, though they actually engage in vigorous debates on various social and cultural issues. The most recent discussion centered on why Indian tourists tend to break into spontaneous dancing abroad, with Brigadier Sharma condemning the behavior as a national embarrassment, while Suhel Seth argued it was mere exuberance. The group then explored various blamed parties for this perceived indiscipline, including the East India Company, Mahatma Gandhi for allegedly encouraging civil disobedience, and Hindu beliefs concerning reincarnation and transactional relationships with deities, with Misserji suggesting the cycle of births reduces accountability. Seth then pointed to Jawaharlal Nehru's secularism policies for a lack of sanskar, and Bhatti criticized the broken judicial system for a lack of consequences and the rise of extrajudicial actions like staged encounters and bulldozer justice. Finally, Gopu concluded that a lost ethical compass and a moribund judiciary have led to widespread lawlessness and unapologetic, unruly behavior, epitomized by the "ugly Indian."

The article humorously describes a gathering of elderly gentlemen, the "Samosas & Serious Study Set," whose wives suspect their primary focus is food, though they actually engage in vigorous debates on various social and cultural issues. The most recent discussion centered on why Indian tourists tend to break into spontaneous dancing abroad, with Brigadier Sharma condemning the behavior as a national embarrassment, while Suhel Seth argued it was mere exuberance. The group then explored various blamed parties for this perceived indiscipline, including the East India Company, Mahatma Gandhi for allegedly encouraging civil disobedience, and Hindu beliefs concerning reincarnation and transactional relationships with deities, with Misserji suggesting the cycle of births reduces accountability. Seth then pointed to Jawaharlal Nehru's secularism policies for a lack of sanskar, and Bhatti criticized the broken judicial system for a lack of consequences and the rise of extrajudicial actions like staged encounters and bulldozer justice. Finally, Gopu concluded that a lost ethical compass and a moribund judiciary have led to widespread lawlessness and unapologetic, unruly behavior, epitomized by the "ugly Indian."

The article humorously describes a gathering of elderly gentlemen, the "Samosas & Serious Study Set," whose wives suspect their primary focus is food, though they actually engage in vigorous debates on various social and cultural issues. The most recent discussion centered on why Indian tourists tend to break into spontaneous dancing abroad, with Brigadier Sharma condemning the behavior as a national embarrassment, while Suhel Seth argued it was mere exuberance. The group then explored various blamed parties for this perceived indiscipline, including the East India Company, Mahatma Gandhi for allegedly encouraging civil disobedience, and Hindu beliefs concerning reincarnation and transactional relationships with deities, with Misserji suggesting the cycle of births reduces accountability. Seth then pointed to Jawaharlal Nehru's secularism policies for a lack of sanskar, and Bhatti criticized the broken judicial system for a lack of consequences and the rise of extrajudicial actions like staged encounters and bulldozer justice. Finally, Gopu concluded that a lost ethical compass and a moribund judiciary have led to widespread lawlessness and unapologetic, unruly behavior, epitomized by the "ugly Indian."

All wives are suspicious—but some are decidedly more suspicious. My better half occupies the middle of the Gaussian distribution, which is to say that she regards me and my friends with a perfectly normal degree of suspicion. Yet even among my associates, there is one group she views with particular scepticism: the venerable old fogies of the FourEss—our Samosas & Serious Study Set—who gather periodically in the park of our condominium.

She is convinced that our sole interest lies in samosas. While that is not entirely inaccurate, the truth is that we old-timers also devote endless hours to spirited debates on matters as varied as whether pigs have wings and the fitment factor that the eighth pay commission might recommend. Not only do we keep abreast of current affairs, we also maintain strong opinions on virtually every issue under the sun.

Only last week, we engaged in a heated discussion about the tendency of Indian tourists to break spontaneously into garba at destinations both familiar and obscure. Brigadier Sharma, our resident fauji, roundly condemned the rascals who, in his view, had tarnished India’s reputation from Saigon to Seattle and Tokyo to Timbuktu.

Sethi was deeply aggrieved. “Indians are freedom-loving people,” he declared. “Their exuberance naturally overflows. It is the Suhel Seths and Avay Shuklas of the world who mistake our joie de vivre for boorish conduct.”

But the brigadier was in no mood to relent. “As a nation, we are undisciplined,” he pronounced. “We need to introspect about why we behave the way we do.”

Basu, who fancies himself to be a management guru, intervened. “We should undertake a root-cause analysis. It all goes back to the East India Company. They took away everything. Whatever little remained had to be abandoned in Pakistan during Partition. We were forced to claw our way back to prosperity without undue concern for niceties such as ethics, honesty, consideration for others, or even the law.”

“Actually, Mahatma Gandhi is to blame,” announced Timir, our daft neighbour from upstairs.

“Gandhiji? How on earth so?” demanded Kani Babu.

“Well,” said Timir, “he called for civil disobedience and never officially called it off. That’s why every patriotic Indian feels obliged to disregard the law, whatever it may be. Whenever one of us encounters a red traffic signal, the latent freedom fighter within us springs to life and compels us to drive straight through!”

Misserji, who somehow manages to drag religion into every discussion, drawled in his unmistakable Bihari accent, “Arre yaar, it’s quite simple. It’s a matter of belief. The Abrahamic faiths have the concept of a day of judgment. Every person is accountable for his actions. But what do we Hindus have? We have 84 lakh yonis—a cycle of nearly eight-and-a-half million births and rebirths. With so many lives to live, a few transgressions in one hardly matter, do they? We are mere puppets—neither responsible nor accountable for our actions. The Gita says that whatever is happening is for the good, and whatever happens in the future will also be for the good. It is not for us to influence outcomes—everything is preordained.”

This uncharacteristically forceful intervention from Misserji stunned us all into silence. After a pause, Kani Babu ventured, “But what about karma?”

“Karma cannot be escaped,” replied Misserji. “But we don’t have a single vengeful deity. We enjoy a transactional relationship with a pantheon of benign gods and goddesses who can, so to speak, be persuaded with a bit of chai-pani. Do we not promise a prasad of one rupee and 25 paise at the temple in exchange for a fulfilled wish?”

Sethi entered the fray. “It is Jawaharlal Nehru who is really to blame. Because of his misguided notions of secularism, we sanatanis cannot even impart religious education to our children in schools. They grow up without sanskar and without any clear sense of right and wrong.”

Bhatti cleared his throat theatrically. “I have been an officer of the court,” he intoned.

Now Bhatti has often referred to himself, with considerable pomposity, as a former officer of the court, though he has never clarified whether he served as a factotum in some court registry or as the munshi of a perpetually brief-less lawyer.

“Believe me,” he continued, “the fundamental reason for the deplorable state of Indian society is our broken judicial system. We see hardened criminals enjoying near-unlimited freedom while out on bail. At the same time, countless innocent people languish in jail, only to be released years later without even an apology. Most importantly, almost nobody suffers consequences for breaking the law. When there are no consequences, the law itself becomes meaningless. In effect, India—that is Bharat—is a lawless country.”

Having delivered this sweeping verdict, Bhatti pressed on. “Earlier, only a handful of lower-level police officers lost faith in the judicial process and resorted to staged encounters as a shortcut to controlling crime. Now it appears that even state governments have lost confidence in the judiciary. They routinely turn to encounters and ‘bulldozer justice’.”

Naturally, Gopu insisted on having the final word. “People have lost their ethical compass, so there are no internal restraints. A moribund judiciary has ensured there are no external restraints either. The result? We won’t observe laws! We won’t obey orders! We are like that only. Unapologetic. Unruly. Uncouth. Smug. Proud to be the ugly Indian!”

K.C. Verma is former chief of R&AW. kcverma345@gmail.com

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