When faced with temptation, wise men abstain, the rest Epstein. Unfortunately, even if you’ve been abstaining brilliantly and don’t carry a stain (let alone Epstein) on your fair name, you are not in the clear. Just remember that only two million pages of un-redacted files have been released so far and already the floor is piled high with the familiar skeletons. Deepak Chopra, Gates, Clinton, Noam Chomsky, Woody Allen, Mira Nair, Anil Ambani… all laid low. And there are six million pages remaining!
So, what are your chances of emerging unscathed from this Epstein epidemic? Like most of us, you will probably claim you belong to the ‘almost-innocent’ category. But these are difficult times. There are only sex, sorry, six degrees of separation setting you apart from the late sex offender. It is possible that someone you may know may be best friends with someone whose brother-in-law once went to college with you-know-who. Now, there are two alternatives before you. Either say a prayer or two and put your faith in God or take the DIY short-cut to salvation. If you pick ‘option B’, here’s how to go about it:
Stout Denial: If you’ve read Wodehouse, you will know Lord Emsworth’s simple method of side-stepping blame—stout denial. ‘I don’t know Epstein. Never heard of him. The closest I got to Epstein was back in school when I learnt e=mc2.
Contacts Count: If you prefer to be more creative, use Epstein’s own techniques—pretend you have bullet-proof contacts. In New York, action wasn’t taken against Epstein earlier apparently because of his high-voltage connections with Moscow and Israel. An investigating official is quoted as saying that he did not act because ‘it was above his pay grade’. In your case, your network may not be quite so intimidating. Your contacts could peak at the level of your bank manager or a head clerk in the railways or pliant supervisors in the local municipal office. But as Donald Rumsfeld said, you go to war with the army you have. The trick then is to never specify whom exactly you know. The slight hint of mystery adds to your aura.
Philanthropy as alibi: Religious leaders and gurus have many good things to say about philanthropy. They have said it benefits the giver as much as those who receive. But none of them would have imagined the kind of benefits which are conferred upon the giver. When you get down to it, philanthropy is anticipatory bail. If things get rough, the public will hold back a bit when it is known that you are the main sponsor of T-shirts for the local school’s cricket team, scholarships for meritorious students and ceiling fans for the principal’s office and staff room.
Venues with vastu: Take a look at Epstein’s favourite haunts. Private islands with holier-than-thou names like St James, Palm Beach resorts, yachts and a jet which the locals christened ‘Lolita Express’. Such places have vibes that can dismantle your morals. The undulating contours of sand and body can push the best of us over the brink. Stick to safer ground. Choose a modest resort—like the ones on the outskirts of Mumbai. They generally have plastic chairs set around a fountain in the lawn, and serve excellent poha and double-omelette for breakfast. Simple living, sly thinking.
Stick to your 9-to-5 job: Fancy titles and vague duty rosters are ticking time bombs. Be content with your regular job. Quite apart from giving you a pay cheque every month, it delivers you from evil 24x7. What’s the worst thing you can be accused of? You could be caught claiming taxi fare to the branch office when you actually travelled by auto. Or you will be the prime suspect in the case of mackerel being heated in the departmental microwave. These are transgressions you learn to live with.
Finally, it may occur to you that there is another way to avoid trouble. It’s the safest method—sticking always to the straight and the narrow, the prim and proper. Ah, but if Adam hadn’t bitten into the apple in the first place, wouldn’t we all have been a bit bored in Eden?