Kaff! Kaff! Kaff!’ I coughed.
Then I tried my raspy cough. ‘Khak! Khak! Khak!’
It sounded good; but would it be good enough? So, I attempted a deeper cough. ‘Khoff? Khoff!’
‘Khoff!’ Ah! Much better! It sounded so deep.
A nurse came running. “Sir! Sir! Sir! Are you alright?”
“Yup! You could say I am fine now!” I said. “I thought while waiting to see the doctor, I would practise how to cough. Haven’t you seen the WhatsApp post which advises that if you have a heart attack while you’re alone, you should cough till help arrives?”
The nurse looked at me suspiciously. “Sir,” she said, “You are in the Amrit Maths Hospital. If you have a heart attack, help is right here. But please don’t cough like that. You sound so infectious!”
“Then why don’t you speed up my appointment with the doctor? I am so bored,” I said sullenly. That worked. I was ushered into the doctor’s chamber immediately.
“So? What’s your problem?”
“I’m not certain, doc. My symptoms are of subglottic stenosis, but it could be tracheomalacia.”
“Huh? Which fool said you have this condition?” laughed the doctor. I coldly informed him that it was the internet’s diagnosis of the choking sensation I had been experiencing since morning.
The doctor asked me to loosen my tie, open the collar button and take a sip of water. Immediately, the relief was miraculous! “You might have given me temporary relief,” I declared. “But you haven’t treated the underlying illnesses. I saw a Facebook post about a patient who was given only temporary relief, and he dropped dead while going home.”
“Rubbish! Never heard such claptrap!” said the opinionated physician.
To me it was clear that this doctor had not kept abreast of the latest advancements in medicine and dietetics as so extensively discussed in social media. On the other hand, I have absorbed all the wisdom and knowledge about diet and health on Facebook, WhatsApp and microblogs. I saw no point in wasting time with that ignorant quack and returned home.
My never-ending study of the vast store of medical knowledge available on my cell phone shows that people above 60 must be careful about their exercise and diet. I am 70 plus, so I am hyper-mindful about my health and have been searching for a reliable doctor. But, to my horror, I have discovered a disappointing and all-pervasive ignorance in the medical fraternity. For instance, one guy who called himself a cardiologist did not even know that water from the river Hamza, which runs beneath the Amazon in Chile, will cure any heart ailment without surgery.
I need a reliable doctor because I have tried many diet and lifestyle changes recommended on social media, without getting the right results. As advised by WhatsApp, I tried breatharianism, which required me to absorb energy from the air and sunlight. But after just one day without food or drink, I almost fainted. Another YouTube clip warned that quinoa is no longer fashionable, and senior citizens must switch to chia seeds and cordyceps sinensis. I feared that cordyceps was some vestigial dinosaur, but I was relieved to find from the internet that it was merely a Himalayan fungus. I gingerly checked its advantages and side-effects. Unfortunately, at my age, the benefit euphemistically listed as ‘improved vim and vigour’ was just another irritating side-effect.
Google guru advocated a diet of unprocessed foods, washed down with twelve glasses of water every day. I had to give it up after just one day because, between my trips to the toilet, I didn’t get any sleep that night. And the next morning was a sorry tale by itself. An influencer recommended the nightly routine of a turmeric-kale smoothie, feet-on-pillows and a detox stretch. It was guaranteed to prolong life and release my inner alligator. Sadly, all that I got was an evil-smelling pillow.
Another Instagram guru recommended matcha, the Japanese green tea, which I drank by the gallon, along with raw potato and bitter gourd juice. I also tried a smoothie of zucchini and ash gourd pulp. All tasted awful! Aloe vera and tulsi extract was horrible. The mess I left in the kitchen was worse and did not improve my wife’s mood. All that juice sloshing around inside of me did not improve mine!
There is so much conflicting advice on the internet. Eat nuts. Don’t eat nuts. Get roughage. Avoid roughage. Gobble beans and lentils. Avoid proteins. Eat greens. All veggies are packed with pesticides.
Being thoroughly conflicted, I have temporarily withdrawn from many social media groups. This has given me time to introspect and fine-tune my own teeny-weeny regimen for good health—a mix of exercise and diet. I guarantee a miraculous rejuvenation if you regularly raise a glassful of aqua pura (+) from tabletop to chin level. This is good exercise for the wrist, forearm and biceps. Simultaneously, munch on salted peanuts, which provide protein, vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants. The mastication keeps your face looking young, and you will never need Botox. The weightlifting and nut consumption can be done at any time of day, but they are best done together—when the sun is over the yardarm.
K.C. Verma is former chief of R&AW. kcverma345@gmail.com