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Reuben Joe Joseph
Reuben Joe Joseph


Out of the mouths of bulls

bulls21012017 Illustration: Jairaj T.G.

A bull in Tamil Nadu has his take on the Jallikattu tamasha

Date: January 21, 2017

Dear diary (dairy?),

Been a while since we talked, but I guess it's better late than never. It's been a confusing month for the lads. January is supposed to be game season!

There we were, warming up, stomping around and reminding each other that we gotta show these humans we're not to be taken lightly, when along comes that Vadivelu-of-a-Murugan, announcing that there's gonna be no games this year. What a joke.

"That's what they always say."

"Go away, Mu. It's still happening."

"We've been over this. Stop overreacting, Mu."

How much more wrong could we have been? Word in the shed is that the courts and governments and all those important-looking humans actually got these clowns to stall our matches this year!

What's surprising, you ask? Buddy, successfully banning jallikattu in Tamil Nadu is as astonishing as the fable of Valliamma jumping over the moon.

Don't get me wrong. We hate the treatment and "training" given to us, in the days leading up to D-day. These monsters annoy us, ill-treat us and don't let us poop in peace. Everything about this exercise is downright unfair and outrageous.

But, hey! We're bulls! And we love a good game! Which bull would pass up an opportunity to throw around some humans, trample on them and go WILD! Moreover, there's nothing better than a good round of merrymaking at the end of a game day!

If the humans wanted to show off their courage and heroism, we had battles tales to tell the impressionable heifers back home.

Of course, the sport can be made more "animal-friendly" and reduce the torture we're subjected to, but I've heard of humans having dirty street fights and this large-scale drama called 'war'. I've also heard that they enjoy these activities. Not the point, though.

The guy next stall, Aarumugam (literally translating to 'six-face', the jokes don't stop on that name), works for the PETA. He's a new recruit and a pain in the wrong places. The goody four-shoes has been trying to convince us that this practice is wrong and that we ought to be treated better and we don't deserve this and what not. Rather convincing, but I don't buy them.

This year, Six Face ol' boy got his way. When we found out that Mu was actually right, we were confused. Were we supposed to be happy or angry? Mr PETA was seen walking around with his snout a little higher in the air, sporting a triumphant expression. He'd won. The activist fought for our "rights" and won. Or, so he thought.

The important humans up north should have realised that when you mess with Tamilians, particularly when it comes to this ancient sport, you better be prepared for the onslaught. I mean, would this have even happened if their Amma was still around?

Pauline, the dog who hangs around the humans and gives us all the latest goings-on, went on and on about the gatherings on that massive beach in Chennai. It has been a feast for the canines around there, what with all the people generously handing out leftovers to them.

Pauline says she heard that the entire state had taken to the streets, backed by passion-fuelled Tamils from all walks of life. But, even then, the lawmakers wouldn't budge.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man. I must've told you about this mythical figure that has robbed the hearts and hooves of the Tamil folk. The humans refer to him as 'Thalaivaa'. Now, when this demi-god enters the fight and backs a side, you know the opposition doesn't stand a chance.

And, so he did. And, the important humans caved in.

All said and done, it's back. Jallikattu will be held and with no time to spare, we'll be hustled out there once again. And, I think that's unfair. You know why? Cause the training had ceased and we've been bumming around, all this time.

It takes time, days, to warm up and be mentally prepared for these crazy outings. This was supposed to be the year we take down these puny humans everywhere! But, no. They aren't bothered about our match fitness and that, I feel, warrants at least some form of protest. But, Six Face isn't interested. What a sore loser.

We've received word from our Spanish counterparts, congratulating us on our "success". But, we're left wondering now, as we wondered then: Are we supposed to be happy or angry?

All we know is our snobby activist is trotting around bellowing foul. Wait till he finds out he's been voted our first runner.

Signing off,

English Peter

P.S. There was also some talk of Jersey cows invading our land and all that hoo-ha. As long as Rajini sir is alive, I'd like to see them TRY.

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