Transfers, transfers, transfers. You wake up, a transfer for breakfast. You go to lunch, another transfer. Late night snack? Also a transfer.
European football fans have been eating and drinking in transfers merrily for over two months now. Anybody who has ever complained of the off-season being drab, has now had a stomach full, but is still eyeing for more. Bloody gluttons, I tell you.
The actual banquet, however, is about to commence. A new top-flight season dawns in England, a magical land where a massive 10 per cent of present-day Premier League fans reside. Last year, it was all about the new managers, but this time, the focus is back on the players.
The new juicy recruits are everywhere and have grabbed maximum headlines for keeping the summer action as spicy as the league itself. Record signings, rival signings, overpriced signings, you name it and they've been served on silver platters.
On the continental fish market, a Brazilian breed of Neymeen (Malayalam for seer fish, but also a cool nickname for the latest nutty-as-a-fruitcake record signing) was sold for the price of (just) a couple of private jets.
The sale has nothing to do with England, but the ripple effect is still to hit other fishermen in the pond, particularly English ones. There are still big fish to be caught, which is why a preview of the Premier League season could turn stale by the end of August.
Nevertheless, we persist with the pre-season menu. But what sort of appetite do you boast of?
London, to begin with, has several big kitchens vying for the title. Good ol' Arsene Wenger has managed to stay on at the helm of affairs, despite connoisseurs predicting, even begging for, his exit. Fortunately, fetching the shark-like Alexandre Lacazette and ox-like Sead Kolasinac has worked in his favour.
Though there will be no Champions League football for Arsenal, the mood in the Gunners corner is rather upbeat having won the FA Cup and the Community Shield after last season's horror show. If the Wenga-Boys don't make good use of their style and substance this time, it is sure to be the Frenchman's last cook.
In West London, it's a good time to be a fan of the Russian owner and his salads. Champions and all that, Chelsea's resurgence was the story of last season, under an Italian chef (coach) whose enthusiasm would remind you of Gordon Ramsay. Minus the cussing, I suppose.
Chelsea’s Alvaro Morata in action | Reuters
But, going into the new season, the Blues have had a stormy hunting season. Though they secured biggies like Tiemoue Bakayoko and club-record signing Alvaro Morata, the squad's lack of depth could come back to haunt the team, now that they are also part of the larger Champions League buffet.
Tottenham Hotspur, unlike most shoppers seemed to have let its fans starve this summer. With the home ground being renovated, spending has been on a low, which means no new meat.
Chef Mauricio Pochettino still has a young squad which he has fattened for a while now. But having lost key man Kyle Walker, El Poch would do well to avoid leaving club loyals with a bitter taste at the end of the coming season.
If you are one to adore Manchester United's gravy train, it may have gotten easier for you. The team just about managed to reserve a seat at the CL table, a stark contrast to the heyday of Sir Alex Ferguson. But, can they arrest the hangover spell in the new season?
Now that Jose Mourinho is calling the shots, he not only keeps the press conferences as pungent as he can, but has also drawn in some drool-worthy additions this summer. The likes of Nemanja Matic and Romelu Lukaku are brilliant catches from neighbouring sheds.
Yet, it is United's long-time rivals from Merseyside that are truly showing signs of recreating their dishes of yore. Jurgen Klopp's well-oiled Liverpool was on an upward slope in the second half of last season.
If the club can stave off a Barcelona swoop of Phillipe Coutinho, and if newbie Mohammed Salah continues his impressive pre-season form, Liverpool fans could be in for real treat.
Manchester United's Belgian striker Romelu Lukaku (centre) in action during the UEFA Super Cup football match against Real Madrid in Skopje | AFP
Then, of course, there is the big-spending Manchester City—a tag they will probably never be able to shake off. True to their recent trend, the Citizens have splashed the cash on some rich ingredients. A dash of Bernardo Silva genius, a sprinkling of Kyle Walker's athleticism and a pinch of Bernard Mendy's solidity make Pep Guardiola's side a title-contender once again.
The chances of the above mentioned heavyweights sealing the top six slots are absurdly high, but it really is anybody's game. As the last two seasons taught us, don't expect the ordinary, lest we forget how Leicester City famously upset the hierarchy with an outstanding four-course meal (Jamie Vardy, Riyad Mahrez, N'Golo Kante and Kasper Schmeichel) in 2015-16.
Everton, with an outside chance, seem to have picked quite the choicest of players. The aroma emanating from the recipe of new blood Jordan Pickford, Michael Keane and Davy Klaasen make The Toffees an interesting prospect. If head chef Koeman doesn't do justice to his dishes, it is sure to cook his goose. Keep an eye out for Wayne Rooney's homecoming to the blue side of Merseyside.
Speaking of coming back, the Geordie pride will mark their return to top flight with the mighty Newcastle back in the fray. The Spaniard chief Rafa Benitez admiringly stayed on with the club despite relegation and is back to challenge the fat, rich kids.
The other new entrants to the market don't look all that enticing. Brighton Hove and Albion (that's the name of one club, not two) and Huddersfield Town will make their debut in the Premier League. It has been more than 30 years since either club has figured in the first division.
Liverpool manager Juergen Klopp | Reuters
They might not be giant-killers like Stoke City, but, as Pep Guardiola was sheepishly forced to admit last season, there are no second-grade products in the Premier League. Maybe their secret ingredients could give the big boys bad tummy aches.
The new gourmet chefs in charge include Marco Silva, who left relegated Hull to join Watford, Dutch legend Frank de Boer, who takes up the daunting Crystal Palace challenge and Mauricio Pellegrino, who will don the Southampton apron.
There are also a number of players who have rebelled and want out. Diego Costa and Alexis Sanchez had made enough noise in the latter half of last season, and now that their futures hang in the balance, it looks like they've jumped from the frying pan to the fire. Virgil van Dijk and Danny Rose are looking for better shores, having caused havoc in their respective coops over the summer.
Oh oh oh, and for dessert, there's Javier Hernandez returning to England to feature for West Ham, as well as veteran Jermaine Defoe shifting from relegated Sunderland to the unpredictable Bournemouth. Sweet.
On the rulebook front, the FA has mandated that there will now be retrospective bans for simulation (diving). Those found guilty of crying foul (fowl?) without contact will be suspended—made to do the dishes, in this case—for two games.
The Premier League has been the grandest of festivities since its rebirth in 1992. As it crosses the 25-year mark, the gates to the dining hall are thrown wide open to yet another sumptuous outing.
It's bigger, it's snazzier and, more importantly, it's bound to be lip-smacking.
Bon appétite!
(The English Premier League season kicks-off tonight, when Arsenal take on Leicester City at 12:15am)
