Chandini and Chandran have been married for three years. Chandini found out that Chandran had been visiting call girls. “You betrayed my trust in you,” she confronted her husband. “You are frigid. You are deadwood in bed. You do not know how to satisfy your husband,” Chandran defended himself. “Tell me what is that you wanted and I did not do. You never once told me what you wanted,” retorted Chandini. “I need not tell you openly. If you are smart you would have understood my sexual needs,” Chandran said.
The lack of sexual communication had pushed the marriage to a breakpoint. Failure to communicate effectively is an established cause of sexual and marital discord.
In committed relationships, several pillars need to stand strong should a successful outcome be sought: trust, respect, love and intimacy. What many people forget is that the foundation needs to be solid for the pillars to stand strong. This foundation is communication.
Many of us find it difficult to talk about our sexual needs. In our society, we often learn early in life that sex is not an acceptable topic of conversation. If parents don’t talk about sex at home, children do not learn appropriate ways and words to talk about sex later in life. Sexual communication is a delicate art that perfectly blends both verbal and non-verbal interaction. Sex is sometimes referred to as the most intimate form of interpersonal nonverbal communication. Four important components of nonverbal sexual communication are facial expression, interpersonal distance, touch and sound. All of these nonverbal behaviours differ by culture. The message you send may mean something very different if your partner is from another culture.
In general, tips to improve overall communication can be useful in sex life, too.
- Initiate and allow to initiate:
Sex, like conversation, must be two-way. Initiative allows for equal distribution of effort, gives freedom for both individuals to express themselves, and may provide twice the extent of intimacy. Allowing your partner to initiate shows that you care about what they like, and initiating yourself demonstrates your desire and interest levels. - Respect partner's likes and dislikes:
Although one may have likes and dislikes when it comes to lovemaking, a give-and-take policy may keep the passion and excitement alive. The only way to know what your partner likes and dislikes in bed is to talk about it. - Don't expect your partner to read your mind:
You may assume that because a marriage has gone on for many years, your partner must be able to ‘just know’ your likes and dislikes. Tell your partner if you do not like something. The manner in which you do so must reflect your desire for a better sexual relation; it should not be focused on what your partner is doing wrong. - Learn to communicate the difficulties:
A good or healthy relationship does not mean one without problems. It refers to the ability to tactfully handle the hardships as well. If something is bothering you or your partner, discuss it. Conflict management is key to moving forward. Avoid using sex as a power game or weapon, keeping track of the number of sexual disappointments rather than the good times and devious plans to take revenge during sex.
Example:
Husband: I feel that during oral sex, I would enjoy it more than I already do, if you could use less force.
Wife: Yeah, well, maybe I would be able to do that if you bothered to use any force at all. I can barely feel anything you do to me! - Keep It Simple and Straight:
Sex and communication help build intimacy in a relationship. The KISS formula provides a way to enhance communication, and it definitely can’t hurt when applied in the bedroom.
